


your time's not up

by a_mind_at_work



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Suffering, Suicide Attempt, a lot of suffering, no one dies I promise!, poor thomas loves his boyfriend so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:12:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10102343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: Why is Alexander Hamilton acting so strange? And since when did his fever get this bad? And why doesn't he want to be taken to the hospital?Thomas Jefferson is about to find out, and the answer is more heartbreaking than he could ever imagine.Originally posted to my tumblr from August-December 2016! This is from your local Angst Farmer, so expect it to be ~hella~ angsty. I need it for my crops to grow up healthy and strong. ;)A huge thank you to my best suffering pal, Binna, who gave me the prompt that accidentally turned into this 16-part fanfic. Friends who suffer together stay together! ;D <333





	1. Chapter 1

Why wasn’t Alexander answering his damn phone. How difficult was it to swipe and put the phone to his ear, to say  _ hey, I’m not dead. I’m fine. Oh, and, um, by the way, I love you.  _

Okay, so maybe Jefferson was getting a little carried away there. But it wasn’t like Alexander to not answer. Their relationship may only have been a few months old, but Alex’s love of blabbing most definitely started in the womb.

Thomas decided to leave another (the fifth in forty-five minutes) message on Alex’s phone.

“Hey, jerk. Why the hell aren’t you picking up?” he snarked. “Seriously, though, Alexander. You’re worrying me. Call me back in five minutes or I’m busting the door to your dorm down.”

Five minutes ticked by. His phone stayed silent.

So who can blame him for stomping two houses down to the one Alex lived in, waiting for another student to exit so he could slip in, and storming up the stairs to Alex’s single suite? 

Once he got there, he pounded on Alexander’s door with both his fists, screaming at the top of his lungs “ALEXANDER HAMILTON OPEN THIS DOOR UP RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL BREAK IT DOWN!” 

He fell silent, pressing his ear to the thick white door, listening for any signs of life. There was a groan and some shuffling.  _ Thank fucking god,  _ Jefferson thought. 

Alex opened the door, his eyes red and puffy, dark hair sticking up, and his normally tan cheeks a few shades too rosy. “Wha-did-I-miss,” he murmured. He looked at his boyfriend as if he were surprised to see him there.

“Why the hell aren’t you answering your phone?” Jefferson asked, his voice losing its harsh edge after taking in his boyfriend’s appearance.

“It fell,” Alex said simply, as if it couldn’t ever be picked back up. 

“Are you okay?” Jefferson wasn’t sure why he even bothered to ask. The answer was so obvious. But he liked to hear what Alex had to say, and usually Alex had a lot to say, so his sudden silence was concerning.

“Yeah, why?” he asked with a cough.

Jefferson narrowed his eyes. Without any warning, he shoved past Alexander, grabbing the smaller boy by the arm and pulling him toward his bed. He scooped him up and sat him on top of it. All Alex did was blink at him a few times. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jefferson muttered.

“Um?” Alex cocked his head and took in his boyfriend, then began to giggle. 

“Sweet Jesus,” Jefferson sighed. He felt Alex’s head. Yup. How did he not guess sooner? 

“Ha,” Alex said without smiling.

“Nothing is funny, Alex,” Jefferson admonished. “I seriously thought you were dead.”

“My phone fell,” Alex whined.

“Where?” Jefferson sighed, putting a hand to his own temple and massaging it. It was going to be a long day.

“I don’t know,” Alex shrugged. 

“Ugh,” Jefferson groaned. “Where’s your thermometer?” Then he laughed. “Why the hell am I asking you? You don’t even know where your phone is.” 

Alex had flopped over on his side and was staring into space, Jefferson’s words having absolutely no effect on him.

Jefferson sifted through Alex’s things, finally landing on a first aid kit that one of the Washingtons must have packed him because it was also full of things that didn’t come in a traditional first aid kit, one of those things thankfully being a thermometer. 

He walked back to Alex, opened the smaller boy’s mouth, and put it in under his tongue. He waited a few minutes before pulling it out.

“Shit,” he said.

106\. This was too high for him to safely cure with soup, sleep, and a watchful eye.

He looked down at his boyfriend and sighed. No wonder Alexander was so out of it. He was delirious from the fever. He sat down next to Alex and gently placed a hand on the small of his back.

“Hey, babe,” he said as calmly as he could. “We’re gonna take a little field trip.”

“Why’re we going to a field?” Alex muttered. “It’s the middle of the winter.”

“Actually, it’s, like, November?” Jefferson tried his best not to be condescending. It wasn’t an easy feat. “But anyway, we’re going on a field  _ trip _ , not to a field.” 

“Oh,” Alex said in a way that told Jefferson the smaller boy had comprehended zero percent of that. 

“So, um, yeah.” Jefferson stuttered. “One sec,” he said. 

He flitted around Alex’s room, gathering up any supplies that seemed necessary in the moment, which is how he ended up with a blanket, a few granola bars, Alex’s phone (it had been on his bed the entire time), and a poli-sci book. Why that was necessary, he wasn’t sure, but it just felt right.

He wrapped his feverish boyfriend up in the blanket and carried him bridal-style out of his dorm room and into the crisp November air. Luckily, Jefferson had parked his car in the parking lot in the middle of campus, so it wasn’t a far walk. 

He gently set Alex, who was now shivering, on the hood of the car, supporting him with one arm as he unlocked the car, then loaded his boyfriend into the backseat, settling him in so he was lying down. 

“Floof,” Alex said, reaching up to pat Jefferson’s bouncy curls with a giggle. 

Jefferson frowned at him, not because he didn’t find him endearing, but because this was  _ so  _ unlike him. 

He climbed into the front seat and started the car. “Okay, babe, we’re gonna get you feeling better,” he said with his Jefferson-esque confidence.  
  
But, for once in his life, he wasn’t so sure that he meant what he said. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, how u say, hella angsty ;)))

“Mom, mom,” Alex whined from the back seat. 

“Alexander, dear fucking god, I am not your mother,” Jefferson said, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel.

“Mom, put on a seatbelt,” Alex continued as if Jefferson hadn’t said a single word. 

“I am wearing––” Then it hit him. “Alex, point to your mom,” Jefferson demanded. 

Alex gave Jefferson a confused look. “She’s right next to you, Thomas.” He laughed. “Oh, Mom, by the way, this is my boyfriend, Thomas. We’re going to a field. I hope you’re okay with this, Mama, with me and Thomas and––”

“Shit, shit,  _ shit _ ,” Thomas muttered. 

The best part about going to college in a city had previously been the plethora of stuff to do. Now, it was undoubtedly their close proximity to multiple hospitals. Thomas sped into the nearest one, parking his car in the emergency lot and gathering Alexander up as quickly as he could.

“Mama!” Alex cried, reaching a hand out toward the car. “Mama!” 

Jefferson swallowed hard, trying to ignore his boyfriend’s wails. He could deal with that heartbreak once Alex was surrounded by a team of nurses and doctors.

Just when they burst through the automatic doors, Alex began to convulse in Jefferson’s arms. Jefferson screamed. Before he could shout for help, two nurses had descended upon him and Alex, shifting the smaller boy onto a stretcher. One nurse rushed behind swinging doors with Alexander while the other stayed with Thomas, gently putting a hand on his arm when he made a move to follow Alex and the other nurse.

“Sir? I just need a little information about the patient.” She handed him a clipboard with a few forms then returned to her desk. He filled them out as quickly as he could, practically throwing it over the desk at her when she was done. 

She simply sighed. “Follow me,” she said, waving him toward her. 

He numbly followed her through the swinging doors, doing his best to ignore the groaning, coughing, and crying that echoed around him. Finally, she stopped in front of one of the curtained off areas. The curtain wasn’t fully closed, though.

Thomas gasped when he saw his boyfriend. He was already in a hospital gown, the front of it open, revealing wires attached to his chest, monitoring his heartbeat, an IV was hooked into the crook of one of his elbows, and his eyes were shut, his face expressionless.

The only thing that comforted Jefferson about the entire scene was the fact that the heart monitor was steadily beeping. 

Jefferson sat in the chair next to Alex and took one of his clammy hands in his own. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, rubbing small circle onto the back of his boyfriend’s hand. His mind wandered and, naturally, provided him with many worries. Would Alex sustain brain-damage from the fever? Could the fever leave permanent damage to his body in any way? What if it was something worse? What if the fever was just a symptom of something much, much worse? What if Alex hadn’t really been hallucinating earlier, but rather had seen the ghost of his mother because he was going to join her soon?

He was jarred out of his thought spiral by a gruff voice. 

“Mr. Hamilton,” the voice said. Jefferson snapped his head up. It was the doctor. 

“Yeah, well, that’s him,” he pointed to his sleeping boyfriend. “I’m Thomas Jefferson.” He let go of Alex’s hand to shake the doctor’s. 

The doctor had a firm shake. He meant business. “Well, Mr. Jefferson. It’s nothing major. Just a high fever couple with severe dehydration. Hallucinations and convulsions aren’t common, but they aren’t too alarming with a temperature as high as Mr. Hamilton’s. But that should be brought down rather quickly by the medication he’s been given and the fluids from the IV. But I’m curious, how long has he been running this fever?” 

Thomas was about to say only since last night, at the earliest, since he’d seen him the evening before, but then he began to remember how odd Alex had been acting. His eyes had seemed glassy a few days ago, but he said it was from too-little sleep, which wasn’t a rarity when it came to Alexander. But they’d stayed glassy. And he’d mumbled about feeling sore once or twice, but had shut up when Jefferson questioned him further and  _ oh my god–– _

“I-I don’t know,” Thomas whispered, shaking his head. 

“Well,” the doctor said. “He should be much better within the next few hours. Might even be discharged without having to stay the night.” He held his hand out for Jefferson to shake again, which he did, before sinking back down onto the chair next to Alex’s bed.

“God-fucking-damnit, Alexander,” he muttered. 

He knew Alexander well enough to know one thing: the severity of the fever was no accident.   
  
Jefferson leaned back and shut his eyes, trying to remember the past few days…


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Thomas. And poor Alexander. My poor bbys... why must they suffer so?

__ Two Days Ago–– Campus Library   
  


“Alex?” Jefferson drawled. His boyfriend didn’t react. “Alexander,” he said, a bit sharper this time.

Alex’s head snapped up from his math textbook. He wiped at the drool that had gathered at the corner of his mouth. Jefferson smiled at him. Alexander was so cute when he was overtired. And Jefferson only thought that because Alex was  _ always  _ overtired. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen the boy after a full night’s rest.

“You fell asleep on your homework?” Jefferson prompted.

Alex looked down at his textbook, wiping up a little spit with his shirt sleeve, then up at his boyfriend again, a silly grin spreading across his face. 

“Oops,” he said with a tiny shrug. He picked up his pencil again and looked back down at the textbook. 

Thomas kept watching him, sighing when he saw his eyelids begin to droop shut again. “Alex, beddy-bye time,” he singsonged. 

“It’s only…” Alex glanced at his watch. “It’s only just after ten,” Alex murmured.

“Doesn’t matter. You can’t even stay awake long enough to have a conversation with me.”

“Math is boring,” Alex said, pushing the textbook away as he tried to blink his eyes open. “I’ll just go grab a coffee––”

“Alex, NO.” Thomas had to be stern. That was the only way to get Alex to listen at times.

Alexander sighed. “Fine. You win. Happy?” he muttered as he slammed his textbook shut and shoved it in his backpack.

“Actually, yes, I am,” Jefferson said with a sly grin. “Hey, did you end up grabbing dinner like you said you would?” 

Jefferson had texted Alexander to join him for dinner in the dining hall earlier that evening, but Alex had said he couldn’t make it because he had a meeting for a group project.

“Um,” Alex said. And that said it all. 

“We’re making ramen when we get back to your dorm,” Jefferson commanded.

“Stop babying me,” Alex snapped. 

“I’ll stop when you start taking care of yourself,” Thomas snarked back.

“I am taking care of myself!” Alexander exclaimed. When his eyes locked on Jefferson’s there was something different about them. They were a little glazed over. 

Jefferson shrugged it off as too little sleep and not enough food.

Alexander swung his backpack over his shoulder. “I’m going to my dorm room, and I’m going alone,” he said.

Jefferson’s heart fell just a little bit. But he quickly brushed it off, reminding himself Alex was exhausted and hungry, and nobody was at their best when they felt like that.

“All right,” Thomas sighed. “Call or text if you need anything.”

“Mmhmm,” Alex said. He pecked Thomas on the lips before scurrying out of the library. 

Jefferson stood there for a moment, trying to figure out what had been so different about the kiss.  _ His lips _ , he thought.  _ They were so warm.  _

He shrugged. Alex was tired. He’d be fine in the morning. He just had to be.   
  


__ Yesterday–– Campus Quad   
  


Alexander was shivering more than usual. He was always cold whenever the temperature dipped below 50 degrees, but this seemed different.

“Um, are you sure you don’t want to go inside?” Thomas asked.

Alexander glared at him from across the table they were seated at. “Yes, I am quite sure,” he said with a little huff. 

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Well you’re shaking like crazy, so just wanted to make sure.”

“I’m  _ fine _ . Everyone else is out here enjoying the nice day.” He gestured to all the other students occupying the quad, some at tables, others sitting on the grass, a few tossing a football back and forth.

Thomas wanted to say  _ well you’re not everyone else _ , but he bit his tongue. Alexander clearly wasn’t in the mood for that kind of thing. 

“Well let’s at least get a warm drink, then,” Thomas offered. “My treat. I’ll run into Starbucks and grab coffee.” He stood up, not even waiting for Alexander’s response. Starbucks wasn’t Alex’s favorite, but it was right on campus, and it was what they both drank most of the school year.

“No thanks,” Alex said without looking up from his book.

“ _ What _ ?” Thomas said, staring at Alexander.

“No thanks,” Alexander repeated as if he regularly turned down coffee. 

“Are you okay?” Thomas couldn’t keep his voice from cracking.

“I. am. fine.” Alex growled, still not looking up from his book. 

Thomas went to Starbucks and got them both coffees, anyway. He wordlessly set it down on the table in front of Alexander. 

Alex didn’t even touch it.   
  


__ Yesterday–– Evening, texting   
  


**Alexander:** Sorry I was such a jerk earlier today. Not feeling the best.   
  


**Thomas:** It’s okay. I figured something was up, but you didn’t seem to want to talk.   
  


**Alexander:** Nothing bad, just a little tired, a little sore.    
  


Thomas stared at the screen of his phone for a moment. It was one thing for Alex to admit to being tired. He did tend to admit it, but only after other people pointed it out to him. But sore? Jefferson couldn’t remember a time when Alex had complained about feeling sore…    
  


**Thomas:** sore from what?    
  


**Alexander:** all that working out I do ;) 

**Alexander:** I think I’m just tired is all. I’ll be fine    
  


Thomas was in the middle of typing back a long response about how Alex should call him if he needed him and that he really needed to take better care of himself when another message appeared on the screen.   
  


**Alexander:** Goodnight, Thomas. Thank you for caring so much <333   
  


Thomas stared at it for a moment. In their months of dating Alex had never written something like that. There’d been hearts and goodnights, but never  _ thank you for caring so much _ . It seemed oddly… final.

Thomas brushed it off. Alex was clearly exhausted. Everyone dropped their guard a bit when they were tired. 

He deleted the response he’d been working on in favor of a shorter text.   
  


**Thomas:** Night, baby. Feel better soon, please <333   
  


There was no response. Not that night, not the next morning, not until Thomas ran over to Alexander’s dorm and pounded on the door. And now, staring at his boyfriend in the hospital bed, all of his strange behavior made sense. The finality of the text made sense. 

Thomas dropped his head into his hands and sobbed. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A heartbreaking revelation is made...

“Whaaa…” Alex murmured from the hospital bed, the sound of his voice stirring Thomas from the horrible dream he’d been having about Alex laughing in the middle of a field, always out of Thomas’ reach, no matter how far he ran toward his boyfriend.

“Babe,” Thomas said, moving his hand from Alex’s hand to his face, gently cupping it. “Oh my god, Alexander,” he said, a small sob escaping him. “What the ever living fuck?” he whispered. 

“What?” Alex muttered, eyes fluttering, as if it was difficult for him to keep them open.

“How the hell did you get so sick?” Thomas asked, even though he knew the answer. 

Alex weakly shrugged and averted his eyes. Thomas wanted to scream, wanted to take Alex by his tiny shoulders and shake him until he confessed whatever it was that made him want to die  _ so badly  _ that he’d do this to himself. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked instead.

“Didn’t know,” Alex mumbled, still not looking at Thomas.

“Bullshit,” Jefferson whispered. “You damn well knew, Alex. You were trying––” 

Just then, the doctor walked in, a slight scowl on his face. It disappeared once he realized the smaller boy was awake.

“Ah, Mr. Hamilton. It’s good to see you awake,” the doctor said with a nod.  

Alexander nodded back. Glancing from the doctor to his boyfriend, then back to the doctor.

The doctor cleared his throat. “Well, as I told Mr. Jefferson earlier, I thought you’d be able to go home today, but it seems that I’m wrong. There’s cause for concern that you’ve developed pneumonia, and we’d like to at least keep you overnight to make sure that that isn’t the case.” 

Thomas nearly had to clamp a hand over his own mouth to keep from yelling. Instead he said, in a very controlled voice, “uh, may I speak with you for a moment, doctor?” 

The doctor nodded and Thomas gestured to the hallway. He cast a glance at Alexander, who was looking up at him with wide eyes, as if he were suddenly entirely awake. His eyes said everything he refused to.

Thomas turned away and followed the doctor into the hallway. 

“I need to bring up an, uh, concern,” Thomas stammered. The doctor looked at him expectantly. “I think my boyfriend is…” Thomas took a deep breath. Saying it would make it real. It would make it too real. He knew there’d be no going back. He knew he could even lose Alex over this. But losing him as a boyfriend compared to  _ losing him _ ? Well, the choice was clear.

“My boyfriend is suicidal.” Thomas said it firmly, the certainty making him cringe. But he knew. 

The doctor didn’t even flinch, as if he heard this every day. He simply jotted something down on his clipboard. “And what makes you believe that?” he asked.

“He did this on purpose,” Thomas said. “He was trying to die,” Thomas whispered. 

The doctor set his pen down on the clipboard and studied Thomas for a moment. “How are you so certain? Did he tell you this?”

Jefferson’s hands were beginning to shake. He looked down at the floor and shook his head. “No, no,” he said with a sad laugh. “No, he didn’t have to tell me.” He sighed.

“Well, I’ll have the psychologist on staff come speak with him,” the doctor said. 

“Okay,” Thomas said weakly, giving the doctor an appreciative smile. The doctor nodded and walked off down the hall, onto his next patient, most likely.

Thomas sighed and walked back into Alexander’s hospital room, grappling with the fact that he’d have to tell his boyfriend there was a psychologist coming to see him because he opened his big mouth. 

He took a deep breath and walked into the room. “Hey, babe,” he said with as big a smile as he could muster.

Alex simply furrowed his brow at him. “What were you talking to the doctor about?” 

Jefferson sighed. “Okay, now, Alexander, I––”

“What did you say?” Alex hissed, tears forming in his eyes.

“It seems like you already know.” Thomas crossed his arms and looked down at his boyfriend. “So we both know what we know, but neither of us will say what it is.” 

“Well you told him what it is,” Alex exclaimed, gesturing toward the door. That was the moment he seemed to take notice of the IV in his arm. He stared at it for a moment before narrowing his eyes. “I don’t need this,” he whispered. 

“Um, yeah, you kind of do.” Thomas couldn’t keep the snarkiness out of his voice. “Do you realize you nearly died, Alexander? Like if I hadn’t found you and taken you here, and–– Alex, are you even listening to me?  _ You nearly died _ ,” Thomas reiterated. 

“Nearly,” Alexander whispered. 

“What?” Thomas asked, not wanting to believe what he heard.

“Nearly,” Alex said more forcefully this time. “I  _ nearly  _ died. I didn’t die.” He tried to cross his arms but the IV got in the way. “And this goddamn thing is––”

“Keeping you alive!” Thomas said. 

“Exactly!” Alex shouted, the tears that had been forming in his eyes finally falling. “And I don’t want to be anymore!” He made a move to tear the IV out of his arm, but Thomas leapt across him and stopped him just in time. 

He pounded the red call button as he struggled to keep Alexander from ripping it out. 

“It was perfect, too, and you ruined it!” Alex shouted. “It was just like her, just like her! I even saw her. I was so close, so close,” he wailed. “Why did you have to ruin it?”

“You saw her because you were hallucinating, Alex,” Thomas shouted as he tried to still his thrashing boyfriend. “Your fever was so high,” he grunted.

“That was the point!” Alex cried.

Just then, a nurse walked into the room, stopping in her tracks as she took in the two boys. 

“He wants to rip out his IV,” Thomas said, still struggling to keep Alex from doing just that. 

The nurse nodded and raced out of the room. She returned with another nurse and a syringe. 

Alex’s eyes widened. “What is that?” he screamed. “Thomas, what is that?” 

Thomas couldn’t keep the tears from forming in his eyes. Alex sounded so terrified. And it was all his fault. He’d brought him here. He’d kept him alive.

One nurse motioned for Thomas to let go of Alex, and she took his place, holding him down much more firmly as the other nurse pushed a needle into Alex’s thin arm.  _ Since when did he get so thin?  _ Jefferson wondered. 

“No!” Alexander wailed. “No! No!” He kicked for a few seconds longer before he began to slow, his eyelids fluttering. “Noo,” he said one last time before his eyes shut and his breathing evened out. 

Thomas collapsed in the chair by his bedside, his head in his hands, sobbing. One of the nurses was trying to say something to him, but he couldn’t focus well enough to hear it. 

Alexander wanted to die, and Thomas had stopped him this time. But what about the next time? Thomas cried harder as he wondered how he could help someone who wanted to die so badly. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> George and Martha need an award for their parenting tbh.

Thomas sat in the hallway as the psychologist spoke with Alexander. Thomas had already talked to her, voicing all of his concerns except one: that Alexander would never forgive him for saving his life. 

When she left the room, she nodded at Thomas, who got up and ran back to Alex’s side. The past day had been a living hell. His boyfriend didn’t have pneumonia, thank god, but he had had to be restrained, his fragile wrists tied down to the bed rails, to keep him from pulling the IV out. 

Today was the first day he was once again unrestrained, but there was a monitor on his IV, so if it was tugged out, the nurses would know right away. So far so good, but Jefferson wasn’t holding his breath.

“They’re moving me to psych,” Alex said stiffly, refusing to meet Thomas’ eyes. “Thanks a lot,” he spat.

Thomas sighed. “Alex, please––” He reached out for his boyfriend’s hand, but Alex jerked away.

“No, Thomas!” he shouted, finally meeting Thomas’ eyes. 

Thomas swallowed hard. “George and Martha landed this morning. They’ll be here within an hour.”

Alex didn’t respond. 

“Lafayette is coming, too.” 

At that, Alexander’s eyes widened. “But he’s abroad, in France.” 

“You’re his brother and you nearly died, Alexander,” Thomas cried. “Of fucking course he’s coming home because who the hell knows how long you’ll keep from offing yourself!” Thomas clamped his hands over his mouth. “I–I” he stammered. 

“Son,” he spun around to see George and Martha standing in the doorway. “Son, you’ve been great to him. Please, take a break. Go get some coffee,” George said.

Thomas slowly nodded his head. Martha walked into the room and hugged him. 

“Thank you for being with our boy. Alex adores you. He wouldn’t shut up about you when he was home, and we hear about you on the phone all the time.” When she pulled away, there was a small smile on her face. “I just wish we didn’t have to meet like this.”

Thomas nodded, trying to fight off the tears forming in his eyes. Martha hugged him once more, George patting him on the shoulder as he walked over to Alexander and took a seat at his bedside. 

“Son,” Thomas heard the older man say. “Oh my god, Alexander.” 

Thomas swore he had never heard a more heartbreaking sound than George Washington breaking down next to his son’s bedside. 

***

Alexander was moved to the psych ward that afternoon. George and Martha stayed through the move, trying to make it as routine and normal as possible. Thomas stayed away. He didn’t want to be subject to the glares Alex was sure to throw his way.

He returned that evening after a shower and change of clothes. He brought Alex’s favorite kind of cookie and a cup of coffee with him, too. 

Alexander wouldn’t even look at him when he walked into the room. 

“Sweetie, Thomas is back!” Martha exclaimed, smiling at Alex.

Alex simply huffed. 

“We’ll let you two chat,” George said. He leaned over and kissed Alex’s forehead. “We’ll be back tomorrow morning,” he promised. “With Gilbert.”

Something in Alex’s eyes softened at the mention of his adoptive brother. “Okay,” he whispered. “I love you.” He looked up at his parents, wide-eyed, as if suddenly he couldn’t stand the thought of them leaving.

“We’ll be back, sweetie, I promise,” Martha said, cupping Alex’s face and kissing him on the cheek. 

With that, they exited the room, smiling at Thomas as they passed by him. Thomas stood in the doorway for a moment before walking toward Alexander. 

“Listen, Alex,” he started, fidgeting with the buttons on his purple buttondown shirt. “I’m sorry I was snarky before. It’s just…” he took a deep breath and dipped his head back, looking up at the too-white ceiling. 

“It’s just that I love you,” he finally said. He locked eyes with a surprised Alex. “I love you. I’ve been wanting to say it for a while now, but, well, timing, and I was scared, and…” he took another deep breath. “I think right now is when you really need to hear it. You need to know that I’m standing by your side through all of this, and more,” he added hastily. “And I don’t expect you to say anything back. I just needed you to know.” 

Alexander just stared at Thomas, mouth slightly agape. Normally, Jefferson would have loved a chance to see Alex, the man of many, many,  _ many _ words speechless, but it didn’t feel at all like a victory. How could it when it was riding on the coattails of a horrible defeat? 

“Excuse me, but visiting hours end in five minutes,” a nurse said from the doorway. He smiled kindly at the two boys. “But you can come back at ten am tomorrow,” he added before continuing down the hall.

Alex looked up at Thomas, helpless. Thomas smiled sadly at him. “I’ll be back tomorrow, babe, okay? You just rest up. Lafayette is going to require all of your energy,” he said to lighten the mood. 

Alex simply nodded his head, a tiny smile on his face. It was nowhere near reaching his eyes, but it was something. 

  
Thomas leaned down and kissed Alex on the forehead. “I love you,” he whispered before pulling away and walking out of the room. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse my butchering of the French language... I studied Spanish in school!!
> 
> But French means one thing: oui, oui, mon ami! It's LAFAYETTE! ;D

When Thomas arrived ten minutes early for visiting hours, he found three familiar faces in the waiting room. There was George and Martha, worry etched into their faces as they sat in two of the uncomfortable plastic waiting chairs, and there was Lafayette, who had to be extremely jet-lagged, but was up and pacing the room with his head down and hands clasped together behind his back. 

He looked up when George greeted Thomas. “Good morning, Thomas,” the man said with a small smile. 

“Good morning, sir,” Thomas said. 

“Thomas!” Lafayette exclaimed, running toward his friend and wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in the other boy’s shoulder. “Oh pourquoi, notre Alexander!” Lafayette wailed. Thomas hugged him back tightly.

“I-I don’t know,” he whispered.  _ Why wasn’t I enough?  _ he thought, choking the words down. This wasn’t about him. Laf needed him right now. “But he’s alive, he’s going to be okay. He’s getting help.”

This only made Lafayette cry even harder. Thomas felt a warm hand come to rest on his shoulder. He turned his head to see Martha smiling at him, though her smile was nowhere near reaching her eyes. 

She nodded toward Laf, so Thomas gently pulled away from the other boy’s embrace and let Martha step in. 

“Shh,” she said, running a hand over Laf’s puffy curls. “Shh, baby, it’ll be okay.” 

Thomas turned away, trying to hide the tears that were forming in his eyes. Would it really be okay? 

There was a knock on the waiting room door. A woman with a too-large smile stood in the doorway. “Visiting hours are beginning for people with loved ones in the medical unit of the psych ward.”

George stood up and held out a hand to Martha, who still had Laf by the shoulders. “We’re here to see Alexander Hamilton,” George said.

“Great! Follow me.” The nurse was too damn cheery for a psych ward. 

Once they approached Alexander’s room, Jefferson stopped in his tracks. “I’ll let you guys visit,” Thomas mumbled, stalling awkwardly outside of Alex’s room.

“Oh, mon ami, come on,” Laf said, gesturing for Thomas to follow him in. “You are practically family.” 

Thomas had known Alexander and Lafayette well for the past three years, ever since the start of their freshman year at Columbia. 

Before he could protest, Laf had him by the arm and was practically dragging him into the room. George and Martha were already in there, sitting on Alex’s left side, each of them holding one of his hands as if they had to touch him to make sure he was still there, that he was still real. 

They were speaking in low, urgent voices, stopping only once Lafayette and Thomas approached from behind, Alex’s eyes growing wide at the sight of his brother.

“You’re supposed to be in France,” Alex whispered.

“You’re supposed to not kill yourself,” Lafayette said, no viciousness in his voice, only sadness.

“Try to,” Alex corrected. “If I’d killed myself we wouldn’t be here,” he mumbled.

At that Martha let out a little gasp and stood up, holding up a finger to George and turning out of the room. Lafayette looked torn, wanting to follow his mother to make sure she was okay, and wanting to stay with Alex.

“I’ll check on her,” Thomas heard himself volunteer. Before he could change his mind, he was out of the room and in the hallway, where Martha was leaning with her back against the wall and hands over her eyes. 

“Um, Mrs. Washington?” Thomas said. 

She looked up at him, eyes red and puffy. He saw everything she’d tried to hide from her husband and sons. He saw the fear, the exhaustion, the absolute shock. Even though he didn’t know her well, he knew how much she meant to Alexander. He knew she was an amazing mother. He knew she did not deserve this. 

“Call me Martha, please,” she said with a little hiccup. “I’m sorry, Thomas, that you have to see me like this.” She chuckled sadly and shook her head.

“Hey, no, it’s okay,” Thomas said, unsure of what to do or say to comfort the woman. “Alexander always speaks highly of you. I know how much he loves you.” 

That only made her cry again, and even harder than before. 

“I’m so-sorry,” Thomas stammered. He was shocked when she looked up at him with a small smile.

“Don’t be,” she said. “It means so much, to hear that, you know? I feel like this is my fault, like I should have known.” She shook her head and looked down the hallway, as if she was in a different world all of a sudden.

“I should have known,” Thomas said softly. “I mean, I’m his boyfriend, after all. I see him all the time. I didn’t even know he was sick, like, physically.”

“He hides everything so well,” Martha whispered. She smiled up at Thomas, then beckoned him down the hall to a bench. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but, well, he’s tried to kill himself so I guess this is like nothing in the face of that,” she said with a dark laugh that made Thomas shudder.

“Anyway,” she continued once they were seated on the bench. “When Alex first moved here, when he was still our foster child, he had really severe anxiety. The thing is, we didn’t know right away. He kept it hidden. He was ashamed, and scared, and––” her breath hitched for a moment. “And we didn’t know until we found him curled up in his room one night, shaking, unable to look at us or talk. We were so scared.”

Martha shook her head, then looked up at Thomas. “But he got better. He got so much better. I thought… I thought he was in a place where he could reach out and let someone know how he was feeling.”

“It’s his instinct,” Thomas said. “To hide how he really feels, you know?” 

Martha nodded her head. “Thanks, Thomas. I’m glad he has you,” she said with a smile.

The two walked back to Alexander’s room, where he and Laf were arguing in French. Only Thomas could understand what they were saying.

“Pourquoi ne pas me dire?” Laf exclaimed, hands fidgeting anxiously at his side. 

“Parce que je voulais mourir!” Alex shouted as best he could. “Et il serait arrivé,” Alex said, turning his eyes on Thomas. “Il n'a pas été pour lui.”

The anger in Alexander’s eyes was shocking, causing Thomas to stumble backwards.

“Mon ami,” Laf said, turning to Thomas, reaching a hand out.

“I’m gonna go,” Thomas said, pointing to the door. “I’ll, um, be back soon.” With that, he turned and ran out of the room, making it to the elevator which was thankfully empty, before breaking down in sobs.  
  
He may have saved Alexander, but ruined their relationship in the process. And, if Alex wanted to die so badly, had he actually saved him, or just postponed the inevitable? 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the TW for self harm comes in, kiddos. Your safety and well-being are much more important than a fic!! <333333

Thomas wanted to sleep, but he couldn’t. Thomas wanted to eat, but everything was tasteless, Thomas wanted to visit Alex, but every time he got near his car with the intention of going to see his boyfriend his heart started to pound too hard and his hands were slicked in sweat and he saw Alex’s eyes when he’d realized he was alive, when he realized it was Thomas’ fault that he was alive.

Three days passed.

Lafayette kept Thomas updated. The Frenchman was nothing but understanding, saying it was probably best for both of them right now if Alex had some time to himself.

This is all Thomas knew:

  * Alexander was moved from the medical unit of the psych ward to the general unit. 
  * Last Lafayette knew, he was refusing to talk about why he’d tried to kill himself, and why he’d tried to in that very specific way.
  * Alexander hadn’t asked about Thomas once. Lafayette hadn’t told him this, but Thomas knew. Thomas knew because Lafayette would tell him Alex asked for him, about him. All was silent.



Silence can be heartbreaking. Silence can be life-altering. Silence can be deadly.

On the third day, Madison stopped by, breaking through Thomas’ attempts to keep him away ever since Alex was first hospitalized. 

“Thomas,” Madison said, standing in the doorway.

Jefferson had just opened the door and was staring at James, a dead look in his eyes.

“You didn’t have to come. I’m fine,” he mumbled before stepping aside to let James in.

James kept silent. He knew that was a lie.

James moved into the kitchen, put the kettle on for tea. Thomas was still standing in the doorway, looking out the open door into the street. Madison reappeared at his side and took him by the arm, gently guiding him into the living room, where he draped a blanket over his shoulders and gave him a pillow to hold onto, to fill that empty spot where some _ one  _ else should be. 

When the water went off, he made tea, let it steep, then brought it in to Thomas. Peppermint. Of course it was peppermint. 

Then he disappeared again, and Thomas could hear him shuffling around upstairs, opening and closing closets and drawers. Thomas didn’t know how much time passed, but he would guess anywhere between five minutes and an hour. Eventually, James was in front of him spreading stuff out on the glass coffee table in front of Jefferson.

James was bringing the cup to Thomas’ lips and gently cradling the back of Thomas’ head, leaning him forward, urging him to drink. Jefferson knew James was saying other things, but he couldn’t focus enough to comprehend them.

After Thomas felt some of the tea  _ (tasteless) _ slither down his throat, James tapped him on the knee. 

“I need you to look at these, Thomas. I need you to be honest with me.”

On one level, Jefferson knew. He knew what James was here to do. But on another level, he was still shocked when he managed to look up and glance what was on the table.

_ No. No no NO. _

“Thomas?” James said gently, reaching out for his hand. Jefferson jerked away before he could touch it, though.

“You don’t need to baby me like this,” he growled. He hated that he was talking to James like this. But he couldn’t let him do this. 

_ No no NO. _

“Thomas, please,” James begged.

Thomas made the mistake of meeting his friend’s eyes, of seeing the love, the fear, the kindness that resided there. All of it for him. For him.

“Fine,” Jefferson mumbled, crossing his arms and averting his eyes.

“Did I get them all?” James said breathily, as if anything above a whisper would cause Thomas to revoke his words.

If Jefferson was nothing else, he was at least a man of his word.

Thomas looked at the variety of items on the table. He took in their silvery gleam in the early morning light.  _ There is one missing. The best. You can’t let him have it. You can’t you can’t you ca–– _

“Thomas?” James prompted him.

_ Do NOT.  _

“Um.” 

_ dO NOT. _

He fidgeted with his hands for a moment.

_ No no no–– _

“You missed one.” 

Something inside him died at that moment. But he still stood up and walked toward the stairs. James followed without a need for a gesture or a word.

In his bedroom, under his bed, inside an old glasses case. 

_ No. _

He pulled out the case.

_ No.  _

He opened it.

_ No. _

He held the tiny razor blade between this pointer finger and thumb, staring at it for a moment, as if he were saying goodbye to an old friend. 

Madison held out a hand.

_ No. _

Thomas paused, then sighed, and dropped the blade into James’ waiting palm.

“Thank you,” James whispered, wrapping his arms around Thomas. “Thank you.”

Thomas was silent. 


	8. Chapter 8

Alexander didn’t want to see Thomas until his third week in the hospital. Three weeks of hell, definitely for Thomas, and he imagined for Alexander, as well.

Lafayette was the messenger. Thomas knew the Frenchman was softening things for him, and he both appreciated and resented it.  _ He  _ wanted to be able to see Alexander.  _ He  _ wanted to hug him on visitation day.  _ He  _ wanted to see his boyfriend’s improvements for himself.

Nothing, not even Laf’s well-intentioned updates, could have prepared Thomas for his first visit.

Lafayette, Martha, and George had visited Alex on Saturday, leaving Thomas Sunday’s visitation hour. He was grateful, but thoughts kept bombarding him:  _ he’ll be angry with me/ hate me/ despise me for saving him _

The last time Thomas had seen Alex, he was in a hospital bed, still coming down from his fever. Now he was like he’d been before: skin back to its usual, healthy tan color, eyes bright, hair glossy and pulled back in a loose bun. 

He was Alexander.

He slowly approached Thomas, who’d been waiting for him in the common area, where a few other visitations were taking place. Alex stopped a few feet in front of Thomas, his eyes scanning his boyfriend’s face, his body, his shaking hands.

Their eyes met again.

“Uh, hey,” Thomas said weakly.

At that, Alex started to cry. He cried much more forcibly than Thomas had ever seen–– like a dam of emotions had suddenly been crushed by the weight of everything it’d been holding back for far too long. 

Thomas closed the space between them, arms wrapping around his sobbing boyfriend. It was an instinct. It was only after he’d been holding him close for a moment that he realized  _ Alex might not want this  _ and quickly let go.

Alexander looked up at him with wide eyes, confusion evident. Thomas tentatively held his arms open. Alex stepped into the space. Alexander filled all of Thomas’ cracks and crevices that had been aching and empty for far too long. Thomas could only hope Alexander felt the same way.

Based on the way Alexander sighed into the embrace after he’d stopped crying, Thomas was fairly certain he did.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex comes home!! But the suffering is far from over, ohohohoho. We still have quite some chapters to go ;)))

Alexander came home after four weeks in the hospital. At first, he’d been tight-lipped with Thomas, Lafayette, and even his adoptive parents about  _ why  _ he’d tried to kill himself. Slowly, though, he cracked open. It was on his second night home, home being in Thomas’ apartment, the semester and Alex’s dorm room forgotten until he was fully recovered, that his fault lines split open. 

Alex was seated on the couch between Lafayette and Thomas, his head leaning against Thomas’ shoulder. The movie they’d been watching had just ended, and it was time for bed.

Lafayette stood up and stretched, muttering something about how tired he was in French. “Well, mes amis, I will go back to George and Martha’s.”

George and Martha had rented an apartment near campus, so they could stay in the area while Alexander was in the hospital, and then they kept it so they could be near Alex without forcing him to come home. Right now it was only Martha and Lafayette there–– George was back home, as he was needed at work. 

Alex whined at Laf’s statement. He reached out to his adoptive brother and pulled him back down onto the couch by one of his belt strap’s. “Nooo,” he mumbled. 

Lafayette laughed. “Ah, mon cher, I will be back in the morning,” Laf said while patting Alex on the head.

Both Lafayette and Thomas were shocked when Alex began to cry. 

“A-alex?” Thomas said, tentatively reaching out to his boyfriend.

“I’m so sorry,” Alex said between sobs. “I’m so sorry to both of you. T-thomas, you should be enjoying winter break, and L-laf, you should still be abroad, and Mom and D-dad should both be home, together, because I know they hate being apart and I-I’m the one k-keeping them apart,” he said with a shudder. 

“Alexander,” Thomas said softly. “Baby, no. All I want to do is help you feel better.” 

“Oui, mon cher, Thomas is right,” Laf said, soothingly running a hand through Alex’s hair. “I would much rather be here helping you. Abroad can wait,” he said firmly.

“But I’m so awful!” Alex exclaimed. He shut his eyes tightly and shook his head. “I’m so awful. All I do is let you both help me and what have I given back? I never even told you why, and you’re both so kind you never push! I’m a monster,” he said with a wail.

“Alex, you know we’d never push you. We love you. We just want you to feel better,” Thomas said, cupping Alex’s face.

Alex’s eyes went wide. “L-love?”

Thomas froze. He’d been careful not to say that word again, ever since he’d confessed his feelings to Alex when he was still in the hospital and the smaller boy had said nothing back. He took a deep breath. Maybe Alex didn’t remember the other time. Maybe the medications he’d been on while he still had the fever had messed with his memory. So Thomas was going to own it, and, if Alex didn’t feel the same way, well, Thomas would deal with that later. 

“Yes. Alexander Hamilton, I love you. I will never pressure you to tell me something you don’t want to, so long as it’s not hurting you.” 

“What about if it’s hurting you?” Alex whispered, his hand coming to rest on the stubble along Thomas’ jawline. 

Thomas was silent.  _ Silence.  _

“Thomas?” Alex prompted, gently running a finger along his jawline. 

Thomas wanted to melt into the touch. He wanted all of this to be happening in a different place, at a different time, and, no offense to him, but sans Lafayette. But here they were. On a couch, Alex wrapped up in a blanket, on the verge of telling Thomas and Laf something  _ huge  _ and all Thomas wanted to do was melt into Alexander’s fingertips tracing his face. 

_ Selfish. Silence. Silence is dea–– _

“I can stand to hurt myself,” Alex said, and Thomas wanted to scream.  _ No, no, NO.  _ “But I can’t stand to hurt you. I’m so sorry. I’m so so fucking sorry, Thomas.” He stared into Thomas’ eyes for a moment before glancing up at Laf, a small smile on his face. “And I’m sorry to you to, Laf. It’s not fair to either of you.” 

“Ah, mon cher, we will chat later. This is, how you say, a private affair?” he winked, bringing a blush to both Alex and Thomas’ faces. “I will stop by in the morning, non?” He leaned over and kissed Alex on the crown of his head, then did the same to Thomas, only worsening the boy’s blush. With that, he sauntered out of the apartment, leaving behind him a silence, this time a lighter one, one that led to laughter, and Alex moving close to Thomas.

Thomas made a mental note to thank Laf later. 

Alex was sitting in Thomas’ lap, the taller boy’s arms wrapped around him. Thomas gently swayed them back and forth. Alexander could take his time. They had time, and Thomas was willing to wait.

After a few moments, Alexander cleared his throat. “It wasn’t like I’d been actively looking for a way to, you know…” 

Thomas bit his lip. Even though Alex avoided saying it, what had happened hung heavy in the air between them. Only Alex’s words could dispel it. Thankfully, he began to speak again.

“But then I got sick, and all of these memories, all of these things I’ve tried to hard to forget, they just rushed into my mind. All I could think of was her, of my mother, dying. And I missed her, Thomas. I still do, every single day. But I’d been trying not to miss her, not to think of her, because it was just too much. After she died, I’d simply kept on living. I had to. I was alone in a strange country. I didn’t have time to properly grieve her.” Alexander paused and sucked in a few deep breaths. It was only then Thomas realized his boyfriend was panting.

“Shh, baby, there’s no rush,” Thomas reassured him.

“I gotta just get it out, Thomas. I gotta get it out of me.” He looked up at Thomas, the pain in his eyes almost overwhelming.

Thomas bit down on his lip again to keep him from trying to stop Alexander. He nodded.

“I’ve always blamed myself,” he whispered. “She died and I survived. Being sick, it reminded me of all of that. Of all of this stuff I’d tried so hard to forget.” Alex shook his head, refusing to meet Thomas’ eyes. “Of course I’ve been sick other times since then, but there was always someone around who noticed right away. I’d never made up my mind to hide it.”

“I should have noticed,” Thomas said, his voice heavy with sorrow.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Alex sighed. “All I meant was Martha would pick up on something with her mom-senses of whatever,” Alex said with an anxious laugh. “But it was more than that. I’d just been feeling depressed, you know?” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but both Alexander and Thomas knew it was.

“I’d reached some sort of edge, a cliff, and instead of asking for help hiking down it, I jumped.”

Thomas hugged Alex tightly to him and buried his face between his boyfriend’s head and shoulder, breathing in the scent of his coconut shampoo. 

“I’m so sorry,” Alex said, his voice raw and broken.

“You don’t––” 

Alex cut Thomas off. “I do. I’m saying I’m sorry because I didn’t say it back, that day, in the hospital. And then I didn’t make your visits with me easy. I didn’t ask to see you.” Alex shuddered. “I’m sorry, Thomas,” Alexander said. “I’m so sorry.” He leaned down and kissed Thomas, his apologies melting between their lips.

Thomas tried not to notice. He tried not to notice what was missing. He tried not to notice what Alexander hadn’t said.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex is being a Grumpy Grump and Thomas hints at... A Thing..........

“Alex! Babe! We gotta get going if we wanna make it to your appointment in time.” 

Alex had been seeing the psychologist assigned to him while he’d been in the hospital three days a week ever since he’d been released.

“Babe?” Thomas called again from the kitchen, where he was searching for the keys to his car.

There was a grumbling from the bedroom and soon a hooded Alexander appeared in the hallway. Even though he couldn’t see much of his face, Thomas could tell that his boyfriend was scowling.

“Why so sad?”

“That’s for my therapist to ask.” Alexander crossed his arms and looked down at his fraying sneakers. 

Thomas sighed. Alex had been… snippy… these past few days.  _ A side effect of the new meds,  _ Thomas told himself. He didn’t want to admit to anyone–– not even himself–– that he wasn’t so sure that that was true. 

For now, though, the best thing he could do was ignore Alex’s bad attitude. They had a more pressing issue at hand, anyway: it was raining outside and Thomas couldn’t find his car keys and they were too late for the bus to get them there in time. Thomas glanced at the clock. 

He grabbed two umbrellas from the tin they stashed them in near the door to the apartment. “Come on.” He waved Alexander toward the door.

Alex looked at the umbrella, then at Thomas. “It’s pouring,” he said.

“Really?” Thomas rolled his eyes. He held an umbrella out to Alexander. “Take it. We’re only going to make it if we leave  _ now _ .”

Alex glared at his boyfriend before snatching the umbrella from his outstretched hand. He tossed it to the other side of the kitchen, his eyes locked on Thomas’ the entire time.

Instead of showing his shock, Thomas shrugged. “We can share.”

“This is ridiculous.” 

“You throwing that umbrella was kind of ridiculous.” 

“You making me walk to an appointment in a downpour is ridiculous, especially when I see her  _ three times a week _ .” 

“We don’t have time for an argument right now, Alex. You know you’ll have to pay out of pocket if you skip this session, so get your whiny butt out the door right now.” 

Alex’s mouth fell open in a tiny  _ o _ . That was the harshest Thomas had been since Alex had gotten out of the hospital. It seemed to surprise both of them.

Alex followed Thomas out the door and down the apartment stairs without another word, but when they got outside he still refused to link arms with Thomas and get under his umbrella.

“I have a hood,” he snapped.

Thomas sighed for what felt like the millionth time in ten minutes. He didn’t bother pointing out that Alex’s hoodie wasn’t waterproof. Alex knew that. He was just being prideful. Unless, unless he was…

Thomas grabbed Alex by the arm, forcing him under the umbrella. The other boy gave a surprised yelp. He looked up at Thomas, confusion and anger evident in his eyes. 

“We’re not going through that again,” Thomas hissed.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Alex growled.

“I know you’re just trying to get sick again, walking in the rain like that,” Thomas said. He shook his head. 

Alex stopped walking. “Shit, Thomas,  _ no _ ,” he said. “I was just being a stubborn asshole. I didn’t even think…”

“What? You didn’t even think about killing yourself? Bullshit, Alexander! You don’t go from trying to kill yourself to not even thinking about it within a span of weeks!” 

Alex furrowed his brow. “How would you even know that?”

Thomas shuddered. No. He and Alex were not having  _ that  _ discussion like  _ this _ . “Stop changing the subject.”

Alex stomped his foot in a puddle. “Fine! Of course I think about it. But I wasn’t actively trying, you know? I’m still a stubborn asshole. I’m still me.” He looked up at Thomas and there was something new in his eyes. There was… vulnerability. 

“Oh, babe, of course you’re still you,” Thomas said softly. He pulled Alexander close and kissed the crown of his head. “We can talk all we want about this later, but right now we’ve gotta get you to that appointment.” 

Alex sighed into Thomas’ embrace. “I guess,” he said into his boyfriend’s shoulder.   
  
He pulled away, but, no less than a second later, his hand slipped into Thomas’. They walked together, both of them safely under the umbrella, Alex’s hand warm and alive in Thomas’.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thomas' backstory gets revealed at a v inopportune time... Buckle those angst seatbelts, kiddos!! ;))) <333

It was just past noon and Thomas was the only one awake in their small apartment. Alexander had been “heavily advised” to keep a normal schedule when he was released from the hospital. This schedule included going to bed by 10:30 and getting up by 8:00 at the latest. But last night hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. No. It’d all been one giant mess… 

Thomas nursed a cup of coffee and dropped his head into hands. He really didn’t want to think about it, but at the same time it was all he could think about. And now he was left with a decision. A decision that he resented having to make. But he knew it should be made by the time Alexander emerged, whenever that would be. Considering the two of them hadn’t fallen asleep until past five in the morning, it might be a while.

Thomas stared down at his cup of coffee. He’d made it at least an hour ago, after his last cup had gone cold. He stuck a finger in it. Cold. He stood and poured it down the drain. He was about to take a shower in the hopes of warm water waking him up, helping him clear his head so he could  _ think, goddamnit, think _ , when he phone buzzed on the counter.   
  


**Large Baguette:** im outside open up macaroni    
  


Jefferson groaned. Leave it to Laf to show up unannounced on a day like this. 

Thomas pocketed the apartment key and jogged down the steps to open the main door for Laf. The Frenchman was standing on the front step, a pink scarf and pink earmuffs on even though it wasn’t  _ that  _ cold, with a wrapped tray of muffins in his hands. 

Thomas stepped aside so Laf could enter. 

“You are quiet?” Laf studied Thomas, who averted his eyes.

“Late night.”

Laf furrowed his brow. “For you? Or for Alexander?” 

Thomas shrugged. “A late night for Alex is a late night for me.” 

Laf sighed. “Mon ami, let’s talk, non?”

What could Thomas say? He had nowhere left to go, really. Maybe Lafayette could help him. He may be Alex’s brother, but he was also Thomas’ friend. And he was great at giving advice. 

Thomas waved him up the stairs. “But be quiet,” he said. “Alex is still sleeping.” He was grateful when Laf didn’t question why his brother was sleeping so late. He was grateful he seemed to trust Thomas. He hoped that didn’t all change after whatever came up in this discussion.

Once they were safely in the apartment, Laf set down the tray of muffins on the counter and unwrapped them. He held one out to Thomas and took one for himself, stuffing it in his mouth. 

Thomas shook his head and chuckled. “Are you supposed to eat the food you’re giving to other people?” 

Laf tried to grin, causing a few muffin crumbs to fall to the ground. This only made him laugh harder. Thomas shook his head again, the laugh that came out of him more genuine this time. 

They sat on the couch in the living room. Thomas draped a blanket over his shoulders. That was the only way he was gonna get through this conversation.

“What is wrong, mon ami?” Laf asked once he’d swallowed the muffin.

Thomas dropped his head into his hands, running his fingers through his hair. “You’re gonna hate me, Laf.” 

“I doubt that,” Laf said confidently. He took one of Thomas’ hands off of his head and held it. “You are also like a brother to me, you know.”

Thomas couldn’t help the sob that bubbled up from somewhere deep within him. From somewhere he’d long tried to forget.

“Is this about what happened last night?” Laf asked gently.

“Yes and no,” Thomas said. “There’s something I never told you, or Alex, for that matter. Only James knew. And, well, Alex found out last night. It led to a whole mess, Laf. And Alex. I’m so worried about him. I think I really fucked up. I really, really fucked up, Laf.” Thomas was hyperventilating. 

Laf wrapped his arms around Thomas and sat him up. “Mon ami, close your eyes for me. Okay, very good. Now let’s take some deep breaths together.” 

After a few minutes of just breathing, Thomas felt a bit more together. Probably as together as he could feel at the moment. He kept his eyes closed as he began to speak.

“So I never told anyone this. Not even James, technically. He found out. Accidentally.” He laughed, but it was full of fear, of something darker than a star deprived night. “James and I went to this fancy as fuck boarding school for high school. It’s how we met, how we became friends. We chose to be roommates starting our sophomore year.” Thomas took a deep breath. He didn’t like to think about high school. He didn’t like to think about That Year.

“It was the end of our junior year,” he said, voice raw. “I was captain of the debate team, which usually went to a senior, but Richard Lee just didn’t have it in him to lead the damn team so they voted for me. I was one of the top students in my class. I was dating this really sweet girl, Martha.”

“You? Dating a girl?” Laf snorted. “Sorry, mon ami,” he said through his laughter. 

Thomas finally opened his eyes and smiled at Laf. “Hey, I can get with  _ anyone _ , Baguette, and don’t you forget it.” 

Laf calmed his laughter. “Okay, sorry, right,” he said breathily. “Continue?”

“Well the rest ain’t as funny,” Thomas said, his drawl suddenly appearing full-force. 

“I figured that much,” Laf said. “I won’t interrupt again. I know how… how you say, uh, difficult, this must be.” 

Thomas nodded. He let his eyes shut again. This was easier to revisit in the dark. He was hoping that this way, when he opened his eyes to the light again, he could leave it all behind him, behind his lids, where he’d wanted it to stay for all of eternity. 

“Everything was great, basically,” he finally continued. “I had it all. I had every fucking thing a kid could want and more and I still did it.” Tears pricked at his eyes. No. He could not  _ would not  _ let them fall. He could get through this without breaking down. He was strong.  _ He was strong.  _

“I still… well, I guess you need to know that James was hella drugged for our entire high school career. All legal, ya know, all prescribed to him because he’s always sick as fuck. So he had quite the medley of meds, you might say.”

He wasn’t proud of this. He really wasn’t. So why did he feel… nostalgic… for it?

“For all kinds of things. Like… everything, basically. And well, he left them on the dresser, just bottles upon bottles of them, some of them he didn’t use all the time, some he did, and I didn’t know the fucking difference. I just watched the pile dwindle and grow and dwindle and grow, ya know?”

His breaths were growing shallow again. He would not let that happen. He  _ could not  _ let that happen. He was going to get through telling this story. 

“He didn’t know his roommate was suicidal, so why would he hide them? How could he predict what I’d do that May night, late in the semester, when he was actually out with some of our friends, I think John Jay and maybe even Richard Lee. James got along with everyone.” 

He shook his head. James. Poor James. James who had remained his friend through it all.

“I didn’t even lock the door. I wasn’t thinking. I just… swiped a bunch of them off the dresser, dumped a pile onto the floor where I was sitting, which woulda freaked James out but germs don’t matter when you’re dead, so, ya know. And I mixed ‘em around, hoping that the strange combo would just… do me in. And I took a handful.” 

He’d always been grateful he’d been unconscious when James had found him. If he’d seen first hand the agony on his roommate’s face in that moment he was certain he could never live with himself. What he imagined was bad enough already.

“I woke up in the hospital. Just like Alex, I stayed there a while.” 

“T-thomas,” Laf whispered. “Mon ami, I had no idea.” He pulled Thomas close to him and breathed in deeply.

“Why the fuck are you smelling my hair?” Thomas whispered.

“Because I just realized I almost never got to.”

“You’re so fucking strange,” Thomas sighed. 

“Does Alex know this?” 

“No,” Thomas whispered. “He knows… he knows about the time after.” 

“Merde,” Laf whispered. 

“Hella merde,” Thomas echoed.

“It was the following year. I didn’t get far. James… James found me in time. Hasn’t let me have sharp objects around since. He even took them all from me while Alex was in the hospital,” Thomas said with a dark laugh.

“He is a good friend,” Laf said quietly. 

“Too good for me,” Thomas said.

“Non, that is not what I said. You deserve good friends.” He kissed Thomas on the forehead. 

“Alex is so pissed at me,” Thomas said with a sigh. 

“How did this come up?” Laf asked. 

Thomas groaned. “Not in a good way.”

“What do you mean?” 

Just then, something clambered to the hallway floor. The two boys’ heads jolted upright to see Alex standing there, a blanket wrapped around his thin frame, his eyes owlishly wide, his phone on the floor.

“How long have you been standing there?” Thomas bolted up.

“Long enough to know you lied to me!” Alex shouted.

“Merde,” Laf whispered as Alexander took off and ran into his and Thomas’ room, the door slamming behind him.

Thomas couldn’t help it. He collapsed onto the couch sobbing. Everything was crumbling around him and he felt powerless to stop it. He felt powerless to do much of anything. 

He felt a hand smoothing back his hair and a kiss landing on his forehead. Then there was emptiness. Nothingness. A blanket or two or three on his back. Something about a cup of peppermint tea on the table next to him and something about going to Alexander. 

_ Alexander.  _

Would he ever be able to make things okay again with Alexander?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened last night?!
> 
> (TW for self harm again, bbys! Stay safe!! <333)

Thomas had no idea how much time passed. He only knew that by the time he bothered to grope around for the tea, it was cold. So he let himself slip into a restless sleep, not knowing what else to do. 

He awoke to someone small lifting him up by his armpits then settling him back down on their lap. He blinked a few times, bringing the worried face into focus.

“A-Alexander?” 

His boyfriend’s face was tear-streaked, his eyes red and puffy. He ran a hand through Thomas’ hair. “I’m so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have––” He shook his head. “You’ve been nothing but good to me and I just flip at you like that.”

“It’s ‘kay,” Thomas slurred. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open. He hadn’t realized how tired he was. He hadn’t realized how badly he’d needed Alex and his warmth and his hands and his comfort. 

“No, it’s not. And, and… what I did last night…” 

Thomas’ eyes burst open and he tried to scramble up, but a hand on his chest stopped him. Laf.

“Mon ami, shh, Alexander told me what happened. Is it what had you so upset earlier? What you were blaming yourself for?” 

Thomas vigorously nodded his head. He couldn’t believe Alex had told Laf. Just like that, Thomas didn’t have to decide what to do with the information. He already knew what Laf would do. He breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered.

“No apologies,” Thomas mumbled. “Not your fault.”

“It’s not your fault, either. You know that, right?” 

_ No,  _ Thomas thought.  _ It’s not true, anyway.  _

He thought again to the scene he’d walked in on last night. He’d just returned from his late class, a bag of Chinese takeout in hand. He’d been calling for Alex with no response. He saw the bathroom door was shut and knocked, calling out Alex’s name again.

All he got back was a laugh that sounded like Cerebus howling. 

He opened the door. Alexander, sitting on the shut toilet seat, arms bare and bloody. Razor in hand. Razor. From where?  _ From where?  _ He’d given James all of them. He hadn’t bought anymore.  _ From where––  _

Then it’d hit him. One even he’d forgotten about. One hidden under the paper of the medicine cabinet. But  _ how?  _

“You were hiding this from me,” Alex singsonged, laughing again. 

“Give it,” Thomas growled, both worried and disturbed by his boyfriend’s odd tone. 

“Tell anyone and I tell,” Alex said as he let the blade drop to the floor.

“Tell what?” Thomas asked, heart pounding. Alex couldn’t have figured it out.

“If you want to hide something from your ‘fragile’ boyfriend, you put it in a safe and keep the key on you at all times or whatever. If you want to hide something from  _ everyone _ , you put it under the fucking papering of the medicine cabinet.” 

Thomas stood there in complete and utter shock.

“So I’ll say it again. You tell anyone about this, and I tell them about you.”

“It’s not what you’re thinking!” Thomas exclaimed. 

“But isn’t it?” Alex laughed again. 

Before Thomas could react, Alex was standing next to him, Thomas’s arm in his hand, pushing up the sleeve. 

“I don’t know how I never noticed before.” Alex traced Thomas’ faded scars. The other boy squirmed.

“Stop it, Alexander!”

Alex let him go and smirked. “So I take it we have a deal.” 

Thomas grabbed the blade off the floor without a word and ran outside, throwing it in the dumpster behind the apartment complex.

_ Selfish stupid selfish keeping a blade there, hurting your boyfriend _

_ What’s even worse is you know you won’t tell _

_ You won’t tell because then everyone would find out _

_ James would find out _

_ He’d be so disappointed _

_ He’d hate you _

_ Selfish stupid selfish so you keep your mouth shut and let your boyfriend suffer  _

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Alex’s voice snapped Thomas back to reality. “I was being so mean, I-I… I need to confess something.” 

Thomas was silent. He wasn’t a fan of tearful confessions. They were rarely ever good.

“I’ve been… not taking my meds,” he said in a small voice. “And I realize this hasn’t just hurt me, but now you, so––” Alex took a deep shuddering breath. “I’ll take them,” he said in a small voice.

Thomas normally would have praised Alex for that. Would have doted on him. But he was so tired. 

“Babe, you’ll never get better if you don’t do it for you,” he whispered, before sleep finally overtook him.  
  
He hoped Alex didn’t hate him. He hoped he understood. He hoped Alex knew just how much he loved him. But, most of all, he hoped his boyfriend was still there when he woke up.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James is such an amazing friend who deserves hugs and hugs and more hugs, and probably a lot of tissues, too, because his nose is always runny, poor fella.

Alexander was not there when Thomas woke up. He knew it right away. He was still in someone’s arms, but they were not Alex’s tiny ones. They were more substantial. There was a cough.

_ James.  _

“Sorry,” Thomas said.

“Thomas,” James said.

“James,” Thomas said.

James sighed. 

“Where is he?” Thomas asked.

“Martha came and picked him up.” 

“Did Laf tell you?”

“Yes.”

Silence. Silence. Silence.

“Sorry,” Thomas said. 

James sighed. “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not!” Thomas tried to shift upright, but James stopped him. He looked up into James’ eyes. They were tired, yes, but there was so much love there. So much love for  _ Thomas  _ there. 

“No, it’s not, but at the same time, yes, it is.” 

“What the hell do you mean?”

“Have you used it?”

“No,” Thomas said.

“Then it’s okay. What’s not okay is that you hate yourself so much,” James said matter-of-factly.

“And that my boyfriend fucking carved his arms up with it.”

“Thomas.” James said. 

Thomas shut his eyes.

“Thomas, look at me.” 

Thomas begrudgingly opened his eyes and looked at James.

“That is not your fault. Nor is what he said to you. You know I’d love you no matter what, right? That you could have told and I would still be by your side?”

Thomas sobbed. He had to admit, he was an ugly crier. But James had seen it all. 

James ran a hand through Thomas’ puffy hair. “Shh,” he said soothingly.

“Is he okay?” Thomas asked once he’d calmed down.

“He feels really guilty,” James said. “He wanted to stay, but of course Lafayette had to tell Martha, and she got him an emergency therapy session to see if he should be admitted again.”

_ Admitted.  _

“Oh god,” Thomas cried. “I can’t believe I did this.”

“You didn’t do anything,” James said firmly. “If it helps, I’m confident he’ll come home tonight.”

“Why?” Thomas’ voice was no more than a squeak.

“Because I think it was a momentary lapse, and not indicative of something larger.” 

That helped Thomas breathe a little easier, though not much. No, he wouldn’t  _ really  _ be able to breathe easily until Alexander was here again, in his arms.

But until then, he let James hold him, and slowly drifted back to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

“...I feel…”

“Alexander––”

“...no, please––”

“...let me talk to him…” 

Thomas woke up to an array of voices. He was on the couch, but no longer on James’ lap. There was a pillow under his head and a blanket over his shoulders. Classic James.

“I just need to talk to him!” Alexander. That was  _ Alexander  _ speaking. Thomas focused in on the conversation.

“He’s really shaken up,” the speaker said with a cough. James, without a doubt. 

“I need him to know, though,” Alex pleaded. “Please, please just let me talk to my boyfriend?”

“Mon cher,” Lafayette said. “This is for the best. It’s too much on Thomas.”

“I’ll be better!” Alex sounded like he was crying.

Thomas stood, wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. He stormed out to the kitchen.

“Why the  _ fuck  _ are you making my boyfriend cry?” He glared at Lafayette and James, which he felt kind of bad about, but one look at Alexander, his eyes red and watery, took away any doubts he had about his anger at the other two boys.

Laf cringed and James held up his hands. Alexander looked between Thomas and their friends. Thomas opened his arms to Alex, but he didn’t move toward him.

“Alex?” Thomas prompted. He could tell Alex wanted to, but something was stopping him.

“Babe,” Alex whispered. “I… I need to move out for a bit. I need to be with my mom. It’s not fair, what I’ve done to you. What I’ve put you through. What you’ve had to shoulder…” Alexander bit his lip and shook his head.

“Alex, what’re you talking about?” Thomas whispered, moving toward his boyfriend, but still not touching him.

When Alex looked up at Thomas, tears were making their way down his cheeks. “You’re my boyfriend. We’re in college. You shouldn’t be taking care of me, Thomas. My mom is here. It just…” He turned to look at Laf, who nodded.

“Are they making you do this?” Thomas asked, his anger toward Laf and James sparking anew.

“No, no,” Alex said quickly. “My… my therapist suggested it,” he said softly. “And Laf is here to make sure I actually do it.”

“Don’t I get a say?” Thomas whispered. 

James stepped forward. “You’ll still see him all the time, Thomas. It’s not forever. It’s just until he’s a bit stronger.”

“He needs to be with Mama, mon ami,” Laf added.

“I’m so sorry,” Alex said. He looked up at Thomas. “I’m so sorry that I’ve let you down. I failed and now you’re suffering.”

“Alexander, baby, no,” Thomas said, taking Alexander’s hands in his. “You didn’t fail, okay? If your therapist says this is best for you, then it’s what we’ve got to do, okay?”

Alex looked down at his feet and nodded. Thomas kissed the crown of his boyfriend’s head. 

“Like James said, we’re gonna see each other a lot, baby. Every day, okay?” 

“Yeah,” Alex said with a sigh.

Twenty minutes later, Lafayette, Alexander and two bags of his stuff were gone. James stood in the kitchen with Thomas, who was staring out the window, as if Alex was about to reappear any second even though it’d been five minutes since he’d left.

“Thomas?” James said.

Thomas hated the caution in James’ voice. He hated that there needed to be caution. 

“Thomas,” James said again. He grabbed Thomas’ wrist, but Thomas flinched away.

“Not now,” he said through clenched teeth. “I… I think I need to be alone.”

“No,” James said. That was the most assertive Thomas had ever heard James be, especially to him. “I can’t leave you alone right now and you know that.”

“James, I promise I’ll be––”

“No, Thomas!” There was actual rage in James’ voice. “You said that last time,” he whispered.

Thomas did his best to block out the anger in James’ voice and glare. “And then I said I’d never try again. Two failures are enough for me. Besides, I’m a man of my word if not anything else, and I thought you’d know that by now,” Thomas snapped. 

James sighed. “Of course I trust your word, Thomas. It’s just that I know how depression can be. I know it can get into your head, make you believe things that aren’t true.”

“Congratulations on reading the Webmd article on depression,” Thomas said snarkily. 

“You can be as mean as you want, but I’m not leaving. I’ve withstood way worse from you,” James said with a smile. Thomas still wasn’t smiling. “And I don’t want to lose you,” James said with a cough. He looked down at the ground, as if he were embarrassed by his show of emotion.

Thomas felt the protective layer of ice that had encased him thaw a bit, some of the water drip, drip, dripping into a puddle at his feet. 

“Okay,” he said softly. “Okay,” he said again, louder. “You can stay,” he grumbled, turning away from James. Before he could walk away, a strong hand grabbed his wrist, tugging him back.

James’ arms wrapped around Thomas, his head nuzzled up against Thomas’ chest. “I love you, Thomas. You’re my best friend.”

Thomas was glad James couldn’t see the look on his face. “Same,” Thomas stuttered. “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "'Congratulations on reading the Webmd article on depression,' Thomas said snarkily." is one of my favorite things I've ever written, tbh. I think any of us withe depression or with any mental illness(es) have had at least one moment where we wanna say something like that to someone who just doesn't get it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Two Weeks Later**

Thomas sat fidgeting on a dark blue couch in front of an older man with a kind smile and German accent.

This was step one in his plan to be reunited with Alexander. Alexander had been seeing a therapist, and still was, three times a week. After an intervention by James, Laf, and Alex, Thomas begrudgingly agreed to do the same once a week, but he asked for a different therapist from Alex’s. Lafayette found Dr. Von Steuben and got Thomas an appointment the following week.

So there he was. He didn’t really want to be there. Actually, he didn’t want to be there at all. But Alexander needed him to be there, so of course he’d do it. He’d do anything for Alex.

“So, Thomas, is it?” Dr. Von Steuben said. “What brings you here today?” 

“My boyfriend,” Thomas said, his southern accent thicker than he’d expected. It happened when he was stressed. 

“Tell me more about that?” Dr. Von Steuben prompted.

“He tried to kill himself recently, and even though he’s getting help now and I think he’s improving, well, which makes me happy, he and our friends got it in their heads that I’m depressed.” 

“Your tone suggests you don’t agree with that.”

“Yeah,” Thomas said like it should be obvious. “Clearly I’m not depressed.”

“What makes you say that?” Dr. Von Steuben said. “What I mean,” he quickly clarified, “is what symptoms do you associate with depression that you feel you’re lacking?”

“I’m not staying in bed all day, first of all,” Thomas said, ticking off his fingers as he counted. “Second, I don’t cry all the time. Third, I’m not sad.”

“How  _ do  _ you feel?”

Thomas shrugged.

“Think about it for a moment,” Dr. Von Steuben encouraged. 

After a few seconds he shrugged again. “Maybe… nothing. I don’t think I feel much of anything at the moment.”

“Would you say you feel empty? Maybe numb?”

_ Empty.  _ That was exactly how he felt. Like someone had hollowed him out. 

“Yeah,” he said slowly. “But why’s it matter?”

“That’s a huge sign of depression, Thomas.” Dr. Von Steuben trained his eyes on Thomas’. “Your friends seem to know you well, and they clearly care about you a lot. If they’re worried you’re depressed, don’t you think it’s worth giving the thought some consideration?”

Thomas had never thought of it that way. He’d never thought of his friends, his boyfriend, seeing something in him that others didn’t. That he himself didn’t.

“I-I guess,” Thomas whispered. 

In the past, depression had been a weight, pressing him into his bed, making it harder and harder to think clearly. It’d stolen his desire to do anything fun, to do anything, to exist.

But maybe it wasn’t always like that. Maybe he should listen to his friends.

Just maybe.

“Yeah,” Thomas said more certainly this time. “That is a good idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Thomas' experience with depression here is based on my latest recurrence of it. His storyline was partially inspired by me being like "yeah I just feel empty but I'm not depressed" and my therapist (who I love so much tbh) was like "... you know emptiness is a huge sign of depression?" and I was like "...oh....ohhhh.....right......oops" 
> 
> SO KIDDOS!!! Emptiness and numbness are a sign of depression! It's not only sadness. I think that's super important to know and remember! <333


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF!!! SWEETNESS!!! Only good things for my bbys in this final chapter!!! <333
> 
> I hope you kiddos enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! <333

**One Month Later**

“Out of all of our debates, I’m so glad this is the one we compromised on,” Alexander said as he and Thomas walked the streets of the city, hand in hand, snowflakes flitting and falling around them.

“Yeah,” Thomas said with a smile. “That’s the art of the compromise, knowing when it’s most needed.” 

The two boys had wanted to celebrate each other’s progress–– Alexander had been consistently taking his meds for a month, and, along with regular therapy, was improving, and Thomas had accepted he was depressed and was open to his friends and Dr. Von Steuben helping him. 

Alexander had wanted to take Thomas out to dinner, while Thomas had insisted he take Alex on a date to MoMA. They’d argued over it for days until James and Lafayette suggested they compromise. After arguing over whether to compromise or not for about an hour, they decided it was actually a good idea.

And so they were going to see a Broadway production of  _ The Cherry Orchard _ . 

Recovery had not been an easy journey, and they knew it was far from over. Thomas still flinched every time Alexander sneezed or coughed. He was utterly terrified that his boyfriend would try to slowly die again. He’d taken to checking Alex’s temperature every time the boy so much as sniffled.

Alexander allowed it, even though he promised Thomas he would never do that again. Thomas was grateful to Alex for that, knowing it could get stifling to be so doted over at times.

Maybe Alex was so accepting of Thomas’ need to check his temperature nearly every day because Alex himself needed to make sure there were no razors around the house quite often–– especially when Thomas was feeling particularly down.

Recovery was a rollercoaster, and even though sometimes they felt like they were going to be thrown off the ride, they simply tightened their seatbelts and held onto each other. So far that had always gotten them through.

It had definitely gotten them to the front of the theatre that night.

“You ready, babe?” Thomas asked with a smile.

“You bet,” Alex replied with a grin. 

Their hands intertwined, they got their tickets scanned and walked into the theatre. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Thomas whispered to Alexander as the lights dimmed. He pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple.

Alex took Thomas’ hand and squeezed it before bringing it to his lips. “And I’m so proud of you.”

They watched the curtains open, and were soon sucked into the pure joy and excitement only live theatre could bring. Even though they were quickly transported away from their problems, they knew it would not last. But they were okay with that.

Things had been worse, and things would get better. And through it all, they would always have each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for coming on this journey with me!! I love you guys and appreciate the support you give me so, so, sooooo much. You're the best kiddos a girl could ask for! <333

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr, where I post other series, currently three times a week! @undiscoveredstory 
> 
> Comments and kudos rock my history-loving socks! Thank you for all of the support and love you kiddos have given me, both on here and on Tumblr and in general <333


End file.
